Commentary by Bill Buchanan
As expected, President Obama’s State of the Union speech contained more platitudes than concrete proposals. But that is typical of such speeches, so it came as no surprise.
There is certainly no danger of me ever holding elected office, much less the presidency, but I have composed an imaginary State of the Union speech of my own, in order to offer a few alternative suggestions. Here is how my speech might have gone:
“My fellow Americans, we face a difficult time in our country. The economy is terrible, social security and other programs are at risk financially, we have no energy policy, and we face threats from our enemies. I offer the following plans to confront these problems:
I have made a deal with Mitt Romney to drop out of the presidential race and take a job with the government as its Investment Czar. Whether Mr. Romney would make a good president if elected is debatable. In fact, due to the reluctance of evangelical Christians to bring themselves to vote for someone of the Mormon faith, he is having trouble just capturing the Republican nomination. So, I intend to appoint him to do something he is clearly good at – investing money. He will handle all government money coming from payroll taxes for social security, and invest it. If he does half as good for us as he is doing for himself, we could pay off a significant amount of debt, and social security would be solvent. The only stipulation is that we keep the money here in America as opposed to somewhere offshore.
I have decided to kill the Keystone pipeline project. As many of you know, this proposed project would construct a 1,700-mile long pipeline which would transport crude oil from the oil sands region in the Alberta region of Canada to refineries in the Gulf Coast. Sure, the project might create jobs and lessen our dependence on oil from much less stable sources than Canada. And yes, we would be giving money to an ally rather than to those who would use that money to fight against us. But these positive factors are far outweighed by the potential downside of having former Vice President Al Gore re-emerge to fight the project. You remember Mr. Gore. He is the one that flew gas-guzzling private jets all over the country in order to tell us how concerned he is about the environment. Yes, the same Al Gore who did little or nothing about environmental issues when he was vice president, but emerged to make movies, give speeches and write books about climate change when he got paid to do so. And while he achieved much notoriety and wealth in these pursuits, he apparently lost all “global warming” for his wife of 40 years, Tipper. As president, I refuse to simply stand by and watch as the American people are subjected to another movie as boring as “An Inconvenient Truth.”
There are many nations who pose a threat to the United States by harboring and training terrorists. As the recent coup in Libya showed us, removing those in power in such countries is dangerous and messy. I have appointed Newt Gingrich to serve as a paid “historian” to countries where regime changes are needed. As you may remember, Mr.Gingrich was paid $1.6 million to serve as “ historical consultant” for Freddie Mac. He did such a good job that the government eventually spent over $100 billion to bail out this agency. If Mr. Gingrich can be just as effective globally, countries such as Iran, Syria, and Venezuela will pose no security threat to the United States.
Thank you, and good night.”